A Thanksgiving Feast ALIAS STYLE
by RedWeasley
Summary: From the writers of "For The Love of Spandex" comes a charming story of a womans journey in the search of the perfect chicken.


The Writers of "For the Love of Spandex" Present  
  
A Thanksgiving Feast ALIAS STYLE  
  
After contemplating her pathetic existence on her blue Pottery Barn futon, Sydney Bristow realized what was wrong with her life. "Vaughn," she cried out in anguish to her pet rat that she ironically named after her ex- boyfriend, "I know what's wrong with this world: I don't have a frozen chicken from Costco to fulfill my emptiness inside! Ever since Francie's death, I just haven't had the courage to go to Costco alone and obtain the traditional frozen chicken that we feast on every Thanksgiving eve. BUT NOW, after gathering my trodden-on courage, I will face those devil aisles that creates yearning in my heart for my fellow dead friends Francie and Will with a great valor that is not my own – no, it comes from the warrior within!"  
Sydney leapt off the couch like a burning hamster doused in gasoline and screamed, "TO COSTCO, WITH COURAGE! FOR FRANCIE!" And hopped in her stylish Ford 22XYMRST, a model which had only been released to the CIA.  
  
AT COSTCO (the frozen section)  
  
Staring through the frosty-glass door brought Sydney a deep sadness, as deep as Vaughn's enticing leather shoes that made that extra special squeak every time he took a step. Grabbing the chicken, she was poised to leave when she suddenly spotted Lauren in the bread section.  
"Hm, what shall I get?" Sydney heard Lauren ponder aloud. "Mini wheats or cheerios to stuff my American chicken? No, I think Fruit Loops shall do the trick." She hungrily grabbed a box of those Technicolor rings of sugary happiness and placed them in her oversized cart. Lauren turned after feeling a deep darkness surround her and glared into the sizzling eyes of Sydney Bristow.  
"Fruit Loops to stuff a chicken," she snarled as an explanation.  
Sydney smirked. "Oh, that's what I heard dropping: your brain, hitting the concrete floor and rolling underneath the produce section."  
Lauren hissed (revealing an unflattering tongue piercing that she'd gotten after marrying Vaughn to appear ravishing), "You daft cow! I should gut you with this box of fruit loops right this instant. Let's hope the prize inside is a knife to cut up your bloated toe!"  
"I would like to see you try!"  
Just then, a wrinkled Sloane arrogantly walked down the aisle saying, "Oh, chicken for Thanksgiving," as he spotted the frozen chicken in her hand, "this will be perfect for my feast with my dead wife's finger!"  
Sydney couldn't take the anger anymore. She plunged her fingernails deep into her frozen chicken and chucked it at the peroxide blonde woman's hair. "DIE, YOU BLOATED TOE! YOU TRASH OF THE COVENANT! YOU KEELED MAH FATHAH!"  
Lauren dashed down the aisle towards Sydney screaming her retaliation with a mad expression on her face: "EVERYBODY WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING!"  
Just then, five cashiers popped out from behind the produce section to appear in the center of the aisle singing, "LAUREN WAS FAST AS LIGHTNING!" while dancing fanatically like some choreography from a Broadway musical.  
  
While everyone was killing each other over by the frozen food aisle, Vaughn heard a piercing scream that sounded like two females that he held close to his heart. He dropped his groceries and made a mad dash down the many aisles of Costco in search of the damsels in distress. But alas, he caught sight of a bratwurst.  
"Yummy! Is this low-carb?" he asked the sample woman as he caught his out-of-shape breath.  
  
Meanwhile, Sloane was gutting the chicken with his pocket knife in the aisle while Sydney and Lauren dooked it out with the many boxes of cereal lying in the frozen food section.  
"TAKE THESE HONEY BUNCHES OF OATS, YOU HOMEWRECKER!" Sydney cried.  
Lauren just couldn't handle it anymore. She screamed, "VAUGHN! COME SAVE ME FROM THIS CRAZY FAJITA!"  
Sydney gasped with the realization that her one true love was in Costco. She dropped the box of Lucky charms she'd been grasping firmly in her palms and pranced in pride through Costco searching for Vaughn with Lauren in tow. Now alone, Sloane continued to gut his chicken, stopping occasionally to say, "Look it the pretty colors! They match my wife's eyes..." By now Sloane's hands were covered in blood and the manager was assisting him.  
  
Finally after much consternation she sighted the sexy beast with sauce dripping down his Armani shirt (courtesy of Lauren). "VAUGHN!" she cried out.  
"SYDNEY!" he answered. "IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME!"  
"I KNEW YOU'D GO BACK TO THAT BURNING HAMSTER!" Lauren exclaimed.  
After reuniting, Vaughn and Sydney stuffed Lauren into the freezer in the frozen food section with the chickens and started making out against the glass door while Sloane looked on fondly while contemplating the chicken he was gutting.  
"Ah, young lovers," he sighed, and stuffed himself in the freezer with Lauren. "Hey, sweet cheeks, it's been awhile," he winked at Lauren. Little did they know that a bomb was slowly ticking inside the gutted chicken that Sloane had carefully placed in the freezer and the end was coming fast...  
  
THE END! 


End file.
